By Sam Letchworth

We finally got ‘em.

After vehemently attempting for fifty years to dismantle and otherwise infiltrate the Cuban government, the mission has been accomplished.

We tried everything, too. There was the Bay of Pigs, a U.S. sponsored military invasion of the communist island 90 miles from our shores. Disaster. We tried to economically isolate them with trade embargoes and travel bans. Castro just laughed and started selling his sugar and cigars to Mother Russia. We’ve tried to assassinate the man (more than 638 times!) with plots including a fungal-infected scuba-diving suit, an exploding cigar and a mafia-style shooting. Hell, we even tried to sneak a chemical into his cigar box to make his beard fall out.

But of all the things, who knew that lifting the travel ban between the U.S. and Cuba, ostensibly an act of good-will, would be the coup de grace to bring the little country to their knees?

Former president Fidel Castro (who are we kidding, that guy still runs the show), lounging in an Adidas jumpsuit, told the press on Monday that he blames the surge of swine flu in Cuba on the United States and Barack Obama.

Obama recently lifted the travel ban on Cuba to allow Cuban-Americans to visit their homeland. Apparently, they all had the swine flu because cases of H1N1 in Cuba spiked from near nothing to 800, including 7 deaths.

“We had the strange case where the United States on one hand authorized more trips for a large number of people carrying the virus, and on the other prohibited us from obtaining equipment and medicine to combat the virus,” said Castro. Well Fidel, we finally gotcha. It’s been a long time coming.

It’s our own little Muriel Boatlift. Instead of unknowingly importing ships full of criminals from Cuba in the ’80s (“Scarface,” anyone?), we used Castro’s hilarious little tactic against him and exported ships full of disease-ridden refugees. The Cubans never even saw it coming. They should have known better when Cuban-Americans started handing out blankets to unsuspecting natives.

There was a CIA mission back in the ’60s called “Operation Northwoods.” It was basically a brainstorming think-tank outlining how the United States could sabotage the Cuban government and take Castro out. Such plans they hatched, which were only released for public record a few years ago, included blowing up a U.S. ship in Guantanamo and blaming it on Castro (remember the Maine?), attacking Cuban refugees on American soil and blaming it on Castro – even shooting John Glenn out of the sky, to be blamed on Castro of course.

Well, John Glenn is just fine and Cuba has never been framed for attacking America. Those particular tactics just weren’t very feasible. But why have we only just now figured out this failsafe Trojan Horse: to engineer a disease in Mexico, infect the Cuban-American population with it and then send them all over?!? It is nothing short of brilliant. Eisenhower couldn’t do it, Kennedy couldn’t do it, the Dulles brothers couldn’t do it. But Barack Obama did it. This…is a great day for democracy. Joe McCarthy would be proud.