SWINGING FOR THE FOUL POLE

By Matt Watson

The following story is satirical in nature with fictitious quotes and opinions. It is meant for entertainment purposes only and not to be taken serious. Seriously.

Word out of Ypsilanti, Mich., home of the Eastern Michigan Eagles, is the 0-7 Eagle football team is going to just stay home this weekend instead of traveling to Fayetteville to play the Arkansas Razorbacks.

Eastern Michigan – which had already lost at home this season to Army and Kent State before losing to Ball State last week in a battle of winless teams – has decided to forfeit Saturday’s game at Arkansas.

Eagle head coach Ron English said his team has better things to do than travel 900 miles to play in a bounceback game for the Razorbacks, which had tough losses to Florida and Ole Miss the last two weeks.

“They’ve played a brutal schedule, and they’re going to look to beat up on somebody this week, especially with the festivities and big crowd of their Homecoming night. No thanks,” English said.

High school and college football teams have historically scheduled inferior opponents on for Homecoming, to provide an easier win for the team and a good show for all the alumni and fans that show up to see the team. After Eastern Michigan dropped its Homecoming game to Temple earlier this season, English went ahead and lined up Ypsilanti Junior High School for the Arts for the Eagles’ 2010 Homecoming contest.

“We’ve also scheduled Our Lady of Liberty University, Northwestern-Central South Dakota Community College and the Kansas City Chiefs,” English said.

The Eastern Michigan Board of Directors also supports the team’s decision to forfeit this weekend, praising their fiscal responsibility in foregoing a cross-country trip with escalating fuel prices.

“We’re going to take the gas money from the Arkansas trip and just take the guys out to Golden Corral,” English said. “And one of the linebackers just got the box set of Saw DVDs, so we’ve been watching those instead of game film every day so we can go see the Saw VI on Saturday. I can’t get enough of those movies.”

Eagle quarterback Andy Schmitt said he and his teammates were bummed out about having to play football on Halloween night anyway, especially against a team from a BCS conference with a chip on its shoulder.

“It is Halloween after all, and we all got great costumes together. For one day only, we’re gonna dress up and pretend to be a football team,” Schmitt said.

English said it also gives the Eagles an extra week to prepare for Northern Illinois, so hopefully Eastern Michigan can get its elusive first win.

“There is a downside to all this though,” English said. “I was really looking forward to seeing the beautiful fall foliage down there.”