Soccer isn't the only sport where kicking is important (Chuck Myers/MCT)

SWINGING FOR THE FOUL POLE

By Matt Watson

The following story is satirical in nature with fictitious quotes and opinions. It is meant for entertainment purposes only and not to be taken serious. Seriously.

A new sport is making waves in the United States these days, and evidently the basis of the game is just kicking a ball. Unlike other sports popular in the States, “soccer” frowns upon using one’s hands on the ball and instead focuses on the ability to kick said ball in a certain direction beneficial to one’s team.

While soccer has been popular in other countries around the world for some time, the idea of kicking a ball in the right direction for the benefit of one’s teammates is a concept completely foreign to most athletes in the United States.

Soccer is known internationally as “futbol,” not to be confused with American “football,” a popular sport that rarely involves an athlete’s foot coming in contact with the ball. In fact, basketball players and most football players even draw penalties for intentionally using their feet.

Only one player on a soccer team is allowed to use his hands on the ball, and inversely one football player per team is allowed to use his feet. But much like a football team’s kicker, a soccer “goalie” rarely has any significant impact on the outcome of a match or game.

“That’s a really interesting concept,” said Arkansas football coach Bobby Petrino. “It’s hard to imagine that kind of skill translating to anything meaningful in a sport. It’s strange to think a game like football, where 22 guys run from whistle to whistle and hit each other for 60 minutes, would need some kind of kicking contest to determine the better team.”