(Al Diaz/Miami Herald/MCT)
SWINGING FOR THE FOUL POLE
By Matt Watson
The following story is satirical in nature with fictitious quotes and opinions. It is meant for entertainment purposes only and not to be taken serious. Seriously.
Two weeks ago, the world’s greatest football player/human was hospitalized after a vicious hit during a blowout game on Sept. 26. Florida quarterback Tim Tebow, who was the first sophomore to ever win the Heisman Trophy in 2007, was maliciously sacked by Kentucky defensive end Taylor Wyndham and left the game on a stretcher after suffering a concussion.
Tebow, the first athlete to ever cleverly adopt the nickname “Superman,” benefited from a Florida bye week and was a game-time decision for last Saturday’s game at Southeastern Conference rival LSU. Coming into the game the Tigers had won 22 straight home games at night – the ultimate measure of a team’s success – but were no match for Tebow, who not only rose from the dead to play but put up an unheard-of 172 total yards and one touchdown. Tebow single-handedly held the LSU offense to three points and just 162 yards in his 15th straight win dating back to last season.
“Timbo has so much leadership,” said Florida coach Urban Meyer. “He leads like no one I’ve ever seen. Once you put the football in the hands of Number 15, you just know he’s going to lead himself to the end zone. What a leader.”
Tebow is the leading candidate in this season’s Heisman race and would be only the second player ever to win the award twice, the first being Ohio State’s Archie Griffin (1974 and 1975). The Florida football icon is one of four quarterbacks in the last decade who have won NCAA football’s highest individual honor and return to school with a chance to repeat. But some question whether players like Tebow or Oklahoma standout Jason White deserve the same status as Griffin as two-time winners.
“Should Uno-Cinco be a two-time Heisman winner? I don’t think so. He’s not that caliber of player,” Meyer said. “He should have at least six or seven Hesimans by now. He was snubbed last year despite being the best player on the national title team, and he was snubbed when he threw for 4,286 yards his junior year of high school for a school he didn’t even go to.
“But forget about the Heisman for a second. How does this guy not have a Nobel Peace Prize?” Meyer said.
Tebow is currently 58th in the nation in individual total offense, but is third in the country in passing efficiency (165.9). Notre Dame’s Jimmy Clausen and Kellen Moore of Boise State are the only quarterbacks with higher ratings, of players with at least 15 attempts per game. Florida’s second-string signal-caller, John Brantley, would lead the country with his 182.3 rating if he had more passing attempts, but he lacks the “leadership, grit and intangibles” that Meyer said make Tebow “super duper.”
Other coaches in the SEC mirror Meyer’s sentiment.
“Man, I miss Florida,” South Carolina’s Steve Spurrier said.
Tennessee coach Lane Kiffin added, “Who?”
And Ole Miss coach Houston Nutt responded, “Cotton Bowl or bust!”
While others praise Meyer for molding Tebow into the quarterback he is today, others are more critical of the Florida coach’s talent and recruiting abilities.
LSU coach Les Miles replied, “You think that’s impressive? I won a national championship without recruiting anybody.”
But Meyer said he, Tebow and the rest of the Florida Gators have one goal in mind for the rest of the 2009 season: another Heisman Trophy for Tebow.
“To the fans of Gator Nation, I’m sorry. I was hoping for four straight Heismans for Tebow. That was my goal, something Florida has never done. I promise you one thing, a lot of good will come out of this. You will never see any coach in the entire country lobby as hard as I will for the rest of the season. You will never see someone campaign to the rest of the country as hard as I will the rest of the season. God bless,” Meyer said.