SWINGING FOR THE FOUL POLE

By Matt Watson

The following story is satirical in nature with fictitious quotes and opinions. It is meant for entertainment purposes only and not to be taken serious. Seriously.

The Arkansas Traveler, student newspaper of the University of Arkansas for more than 100 years, has gone through significant changes in 2009 to adapt to the changing newspaper industry. Both the struggling national economy and the demographic change of the average reader have affected the way The Traveler and other newspapers operate, and The Traveler has been open and willing to not only embrace the changes but also pioneer in today’s technologically-driven field of journalism.

The UA student paper adopted a weekly print publishing schedule in August 2009 but began publishing online daily with Web-exclusive content for the first time, assuming the slogan “More News. Less Paper. Today’s Traveler.”

But The Traveler is now ready to take the next step. Extremely unscientific research done across the country shows most newspaper readers have probably already stopped reading this story, and every word typed from here on out might just be a waste of ink and paper.

Add to that the growing popularity of the social networking site Twitter, which allots users just 140 characters to express themselves – are you thinking what The Traveler’s thinking?

After 104 years of quality journalism, The Traveler is going to be the first newspaper in the world to print just headlines – no stories – to appeal to those readers who don’t actually like reading.

“We’ve got a new motto now. ‘Less news. Less paper. More time for crosswords, movie-watching and trips to Golden Corral,’” sports editor Matt Watson said.

While Traveler editor-in-chief Tina Korbe refused to comment or even acknowledge such a stupid concept, Watson said the sports section of The Traveler would gradually introduce the headline-only format, much like its weekly satire column “Swinging for the Foul Pole,” and just hope no one notices it until it’s been in print for a few weeks.

“People want a more Twitteresque Traveler,” Watson said. “Especially if there’s alliteration or you’re just making stuff up and printing it. I mean how many people are still reading this story, 330 words in? That’s about 325 words too many.”

Journalism typically utilizes the “inverted pyramid” style, with the most important facts at the top of an article so that readers who skim through a newspaper can read the first few lines from each story and get most of the news. The Traveler is going to completely cut out the part of the pyramid no one’s reading anyway.

“We call it ‘the inverted trapezoid.’ And if the phrase ‘inverted trapezoid’ doesn’t get you excited, I don’t know what will,” Watson said.