(Photo by Juan Garcia/Dallas Morning News/MCT)

SWINGING FOR THE FOUL POLE

By Matt Watson

The following story is satirical in nature with fictitious quotes and opinions. It is meant for entertainment purposes only and not to be taken serious. Seriously.

DEATH STAR – Not too long ago the commissioners of Major League Baseball and the top professional baseball league in Japan agreed that their champions should meet each year in an international showdown, aptly dubbed the “Global World Series.”

But before plans for the global world international cross-planet intra-foreign series could even get to the development stage, a new challenge was thrown down by Darth Vader, the leader of a team of Alien All-Stars, a battle with Earth’s baseball champion to determine super-stellar universal other-worldly intergalactic omnipresent supremacy.

“Apparently the term ‘World Series’ was [deep breath] already taken, by some league [deep breath] with a single team – the “Toronto Blue Jays” – that plays [deep breath] an hour and a half [deep breath] outside of its country’s borders,” Vader said. “But no matter what it’s called [deep breath] you Earthlings are going down.”

The Alien All-Stars have a talented roster led by Vader, who was tops in the Inter-space Baseball League with 173 strikeouts and 46 choke-outs in 2009. The Lord of the Sith also led the Dark Side to an IBL championship last season. Vader’s Star Wars co-star Chewbacca bats in the middle of a powerful lineup that features Optimus Prime, Predator and the naked blue guy from Watchmen.

“No chance Earth will have,” Jedi master and Alien All-Star manager Yoda said.

The Aliens are also known for the team’s high baseball IQ, with the intelligence of Spock, Marvin the Martian and E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial bolstering the lineup. The entire Conehead family and the Monstars from Space Jam give the All-Stars depth on their bench. Jar Jar Binks and Alf did not make the team.

The super-stellar universal whatever it was called earlier series has already caused a controversy over the eligibility of one of the players. The Alien team has listed Kal-El on its roster, but the slugger better known as Clark Kent or “Superman” has expressed his desire to play for the Earth team. Kent was born on the planet Krypton, but because he was adopted and raised by human parents, the Man of Steel has dual eligibility.

“How many aliens grow up harvesting corn in Kansas? He’s superhuman, not super-alien. He’s on our team,” said Buzz Lightyear, who was hired along with Captain Kirk and the entire cast of The X-Files as special consultants for the planet Earth.

The Alien team also put a formal protest against the eligibility of Earthling slugger Albert Pujols, who Darth Vader said “can’t possibly be human with the way he hits the ball [deep breath].”