(Photo by Mark Cornelison/Lexington Herald-Leader/MCT )
By Matt Watson
The following story is satirical in nature with fictitious quotes and opinions. It is meant for entertainment purposes only and not to be taken serious. Seriously.
LEXINGTON, Ky. – Days after the Kentucky Wildcat basketball team dismantled the Arkansas Razorbacks at famed Rupp Arena, the entire University of Kentucky has been inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame, it was announced Tuesday.
More than 27,000 UK students received enshrinement this week, the same week that Kentucky garnered the No. 1 ranking in the AP poll for the first time in seven years.
The Wildcats are 19-0 after a 101-70 victory over the Razorbacks last Saturday, led by highly-touted freshman John Wall, who was named pre-season player of the year by FoxSports.com before he had ever played a college game.
The 19-year-old Wall, averaging 17 points and almost seven assists, four rebounds, two steals per game, is one of several Wildcats who earned other awards in addition to the Hall of Fame induction.
Freshman DeMarcus Cousins, who leads the SEC in offensive rebounds, has been added to the NFC Pro Bowl roster that showcases the NFL’s best football players each year, while junior Patrick Patterson, tops in the league in field goal percentage, was elected to the Major League Baseball Hall of Fame on Tuesday.
“Oh come on, at least I actually played baseball,” said former MLB home run champion Mark McGwire, who has never even received one-fourth of the vote for HOF enshrinement (the threshold is 75 percent).
But Wall received the highest honor of all – a U.S. Senate seat.
“I’m blown away by the Senate position, and even more excited to let you know that after four years of Senator duty, and three years in the NBA, I’m headed to Washington to take over the Presidency,” Wall said.
No honoree was more excited than 25-year-old Zaire Fredericks, a sixth-year graduate student at Kentucky studying mechanical engineering.
“I’ve waited all my life for this. I thought I saw a scout at an intramural game last year when my team ‘ThunderCatz’ made it to the semi-finals. I banked a 3-pointer from the top of the key and winked at the guy and he immediately left the gym, I assumed to call some of his NBA friends about how awesome I was,” Fredericks said.
The only person who did not respond positively was Wildcat coach John Calipari, who when the NCAA called to congratulate him, he answered “I don’t know anything,” and immediately resigned his position for a more lucrative coaching job elsewhere.